Things Alex Has Learned
by MarineWife
Summary: The things Alexandra Cabot treasures learning the most was what she had learned of Olivia Benson.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

There are many things Alexandra Cabot has learned in life. In school, she learned everything they made available to her, graduating high school as valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA. College was just as easy for her, and she graduated from Yale with a political science major and another 4.0 GPA. Harvard Law was just as easy, but she graduated with a 3.9 GPA, blaming the drop of one-tenth to the one and only night she allowed herself to drink before a test. Even after school, after she was already in the workforce, she continues to learn. But the things she treasures learning the most was what she has learned of Olivia Benson.

Alex has learned over the months something that she would have never guessed when she first met Detective Olivia Benson; Olivia was a romantic. Not necessarily in words. Alex feels extremely blessed when she gets the uncommon "I love you," or the seemingly off-handed compliment when it's not about work that she knows Olivia had sat for long moments, rolling the words around in her head making sure everything comes out right.

No, Olivia's not a romantic in words, but in actions. They're mostly simple acts, something one would do for a friend even, but Alex instinctually knows that from Olivia they mean so much more. It was in the way Olivia always handed over her leather jacket, even when she's in nothing more than a t-shirt. It was in the umbrella and simple note (_It wasn't raining this morning. Don't want you to get sick.)_ left in her office after a long day in court. It was in the dinners delivered to her office when she had to cancel a date due to paperwork. It was in the way Olivia always subtly moved her body in front of Alex's when someone she didn't know approached them.

It was also in the way Olivia would sleep in boxers and a sports bra with no covers and still sweat, but refused to turn on a fan because Alex was huddled under the sheet and comforter as if she were in Antarctica. It was in the way Olivia would slowly, gently make love to her on the rare night that work hadn't been completely horrible. It was in the way Olivia would smile at her, a smile Alex had never seen Olivia send towards anyone else. It was in the way Olivia would brush her hair back and kiss her forehead before leaving anytime in the middle of the night. Underneath all the hardness, Olivia Benson was a romantic.

Alex has also learned that Olivia was a poet. It was in the way she wrote up her DD-5s, somehow conveying both her empathy and anger in the rote reports. It was in her silences, always somehow managing to give away more about herself in them than in words. It was not in her words, but in the meaning lingering somewhere behind them if you only took the time to find it. With very few words, Olivia Benson was a poet.

After only one children's case, Alex had learned Olivia was an angel, just as the papers had dubbed her 'The Angel of SVU'. When they first began working together, Alex had expected a detective in it for the glory, depending on her name being feed to the reporters as much as possible to further her career. Even as Alex believed it, she somehow knew it wasn't true due to the fact there was barely any information about the detective other than the facts of a case or the occasional sound bite. But after a single case, she knew it to be a fact.

She learned Olivia had held the crying child's hand the entire time the doctor did the exam. She watched as the little girl clung to Olivia's neck as they entered the precinct. She watched the detective gently coax the girl to answer her questions, always knowing when to press for further information or when she needed to hold off and allow the child a moment to step back from the abuse. She noticed Olivia never ate unless the child was willing to eat. She witnessed her sleep on the floor, leaning over the bed in the crib, unconsciously rubbing the girl's back during the night. Throughout it all, and every case since, Olivia Benson was an angel.

A month after working with the SVU, Alex had learned Olivia was a warrior. Upon joining the unit, she had been skeptical of a woman taking on the cases they worked. She most certainly saw where it would be easier for a victim to speak to a woman, but just how effective could said woman be in taking down the obviously abusive men they had to deal with? Alex somehow got the idea in her head that this Detective Benson would be sheltered by the male detectives in her unit, that they would carry the brunt of the physical duties and have Olivia handle the victims and deskwork.

A week after working with them, she got the first glimpse that she may have been wrong. She walked into the observation room and noticed Olivia guzzling a bottle of water. Upon questioning, Captain Cragen informed her, because Olivia showed no signs of letting up on the water, Olivia had just ran twelve city blocks before subduing the suspect. Another week passed before she noticed a bruise on Olivia's jaw. She was told by Elliot, who had noticed her studying the bruise as they were talking over the case, that Olivia had caught a stray punch during an altercation she was trying to break up between a husband and his wife's boyfriend in her apartment building. Another time she began to decide she was way off base about the detective was when she learned Olivia wasn't in the interrogation room with a suspect due to the fact she was in the hospital with a dislocated shoulder from having taken down said subject. The final act was one Alex witnessed firsthand. She was standing in the observation room watching Elliot play bad cop and Olivia playing good cop to a t when the suspect exploded across the table towards Elliot. So quickly Alex barely saw the movements, Olivia had the suspect subdued over the table with his hands in cuffs behind his back. Whenever the need arose, Olivia Benson was a warrior.

There are many things Alexandra Cabot has learned in her thirty years. Some she has forgotten over the years, while some she uses on a daily basis. But out of everything she has learned, she cherishes most the things she has learned of Olivia Benson; that she is a romantic, a poet, an angel, and a warrior. She has also learned that no matter what information she grasps about Olivia, there will always be something else to learn about her. And Alex is fully prepared to hang around until she learns it all.


	2. Sum of All Things

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine...**

A/N: After writing 'Things Alex Has Learned', other things that Alex could possibly learn about Olivia keep popping into my mind, so instead of putting them in stories, I'm adding them as one-shots to TAHL. Enjoy!

* * *

Ten months after being assigned to the Special Victims Unit, Alex rushed to the squad room in search of Olivia. Only an hour before, Olivia had been attacked both personally and professionally on the stand by the defense attorney. And even though she had handled herself superbly, Alex could tell by the set of her shoulders and how ram-rod straight her back had been as she left the courtroom that Olivia was upset.

When Alex didn't find Olivia at her desk, she was directed by Elliot to check the precinct's gym. After not finding Olivia there, she headed to the locker room thinking Olivia had finished her work out.

She heard music as soon as she opened the door. She stepped in and paused, leaning against the wall, trying to place the somewhat familiar tune. Alex made a note to herself as she pushed off the wall to stop and purchase a Stevie Ray Vaughan CD on her way home.

As Alex rounded the lockers, she expected to see Olivia dressing with a radio playing in her locker, but the scene was much different. Olivia was sitting on a bench with an electric guitar in her lap that was plugged into a small amp at the bottom of her locker. Olivia cradled the guitar like a lover, her hands caressing and teasing the most pleasurable sounds from it. Her eyes were closed and the look on her face was both complete concentration and pure contentment.

Alex stood totally still, not wanting to interrupt Olivia, until the song ended and she began clapping. Olivia's eyes shot open and as soon as they met Alex's, she began to blush.

"Olivia, that was simply amazing," Alex said as she moved to sit on the bench opposite her. Olivia's blush deepened and she turned to turn off the amp and put away the guitar. "I had no idea you could play."

Olivia paused long enough to look at Alex directly. "No one does." It was a plea for silence that Alex acknowledged with a nod.

"How did you learn?" Alex asked when Olivia turned back to her locker.

"I taught myself," Olivia shrugged. She refused to make eye contact as she stood and continued speaking. "My mother gave me a guitar when I was five. It kept me entertained and out of trouble over the years."

***

Alex found herself once again heading to the squad room to look for Olivia four months later. She had heard Olivia had been informed just that morning of her mother's death, and she wanted to check on someone who she had recently begun to think of as a very good friend. After not finding Olivia at her desk, in the gym or locker room, Alex made her way to the rooftop, a place she had learned Olivia often went to escape. She found her sitting on the ledge, a beaten up and scarred acoustic guitar in her lap.

They sat in silence, letting the sounds of the city below and the slow, sad melody Olivia was playing wrap around them. After what could have been an eternity or a minute, Olivia began to speak.

"My mom gave me this guitar as my high school graduation present, said it pretty much summed up my life that far. She never expected me to learn how to play when she gave me that first guitar, and there were times when she didn't expect me to graduate either.

"My babysitter moved away when I was five, and she didn't want to bother with looking for another one. So she bought me a guitar in the hopes that I could keep myself entertained while she went to the bar at night. And months later when she heard that I could actually play, she acted like she was the best mother in the world.

"During high school, she never saw me do any homework and got a phone call practically every term about how many days I was missing. What she never considered was that I was smart enough that I could do the work at school or was doing it when she was out every night. And all those days I missed? I wasn't skipping for the hell of it. I was taking care of her when she was too hung-over and cleaning the house and doing the laundry that had piled up and working odd jobs to pay the electricity bill that month."

The entire time she spoke, her eyes were closed and there were silent tears streaming down her face. And she continued to play that same sad, lonely tune over and over again.

***

A week later, on the day after the funeral, Alex called Olivia to her office. In the visitor's chair sat a Fender Stratocaster. Alex smiled softly when Olivia looked as if she were going to drool. She had spent much time trying to choose the perfect guitar for Olivia and had decided on the Road Worn '50s Strat, thinking it could help her say what she wanted to more than anything. Olivia looked to her questioningly and she stepped forward to pick up the guitar and hand it to Olivia. She took it with a hand that trembled slightly and ran her fingers reverently across the strings.

"This sums up your life," Alex said when Olivia looked back up to her. "You survived through a childhood that by all rights should have broken you," she ran her finger across the body of the guitar where the manufacturer had made it to look battered and worn. "You grew to be an intelligent, caring, beautiful woman instead of angry and bitter as you could have. Victims see you and they see an angel, a chance, a future. Your co-workers and I see you and we see someone we are honored to be able to call a friend. This," she placed her hand around the neck of the guitar and turned it for Olivia to see, "sums up your life."


	3. Respect

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: Another one-shot. These one-shots are not all necessarily in the same world, meaning they don't all have to be compiled into the life and making of Olivia Benson.**

Alex had been working with the SVU for just over six months when she realized she knew relatively nothing about Olivia Benson. She knew John Munch was a conspiracy theorist, had been divorced four times and had retired from the force in Baltimore before joining the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. She knew Elliot Stabler was a former Marine, Catholic, married, and had four children. Other than Olivia, she knew the least of Odafin Tutuola. She knew he was an undercover detective for Narcotics before transferring to SVU and that he sometimes spoke of an Alisha.

But the fact that she didn't really know Olivia at all was pushed to the forefront of her mind one night she joined the group for drinks. The invitation had been offered nearly two months before, and Alex had seen it for the acceptance it was and obviously accepted, not wanting them to continue seeing her as an enemy rather than an asset. It was to her great surprise that she actually enjoyed herself, and she continued accepting the offers of their Thursday night drinks, until the offers stopped coming and her attendance was a given.

A month after Alex began joining them, Olivia left early. She met the complaining and gentle teasing with a half smile and a backwards wave. After three more weeks of her leaving early, Alex asked Elliot if he knew what was suddenly taking up so much of his partner's time. He simply shrugged and asked how he should know.

"Well, you know her better than any of us," Fin chimed in, making Alex feel much more secure by the fact that she wasn't the only one curious about the female detective.

"Not really," Elliot shrugged again and took a sip of his beer. "How well do any of us really know her?"

They were all silent as they thought that over. They all knew she was a dedicated detective. It was rumored Brian Cassidy had told her any relationship she was in would simply be an affair because she was married to the NYPD. They knew she was a caring woman as they had all at one point or another witnessed her comforting a victim or cradle a crying child in her lap. They knew she was strong as they had seen her tackle a suspect on the streets or contain a perp in the interrogation room.

But what did they know of Olivia the woman rather than Olivia the detective? Did she go home to someone at night? Did she prefer reading classic novels or smut filled romances in her down time? Was she a junk-food junky or a health nut? Did she believe in Creation or Evolution?

They were brought from their revelry as Elliot leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. "My partner is an enigma. You only see what she wants you to see."

Alex would have laughed in amusement at hearing Elliot Stabler being philosophical if the statement hadn't been completely true. Then and there she decided she would find out just who Olivia Benson really was.

The next day at work Alex cornered Olivia over coffee. They had formed a friendship months before; Olivia in fact had been the one to encourage the boys to let the winter pass so to speak. Although they weren't typically the kind of friends to share gossip, Alex was confident enough in the relationship to question Olivia's personal life. "Okay, who is it?"

Olivia took a drink of her coffee, an eyebrow raised over the rim. "Pardon?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Don't play coy. You've left early for the past month. So, who is it?"

"So I leave early, and you automatically assume it's for a date?"

"Why else would you leave early from a standing date with your friends?" Alex looked pointedly at her. "Who Is It?"

Olivia sighed and rolled her eyes. "Joey," she said simply.

Alex fought back a snort, but evidently couldn't stop the words she was thinking from making their way out of her mouth. "Joey? What is he twelve?"

Olivia threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, man. I think you should meet. You'll love him Alex."

Alex actually bit her tongue that time in order to be sure no words would escape this time. _Oh, I highly doubt that! _She forced a smile before answering, "If he's good enough to take away time from us, I'm sure I will."

So the next Thursday night, Alex found herself riding silently with Olivia in the back of a cab. After leaving the guys at the bar, Olivia had refused to answer any questions about Joey or where exactly they were going, so they continued the ride in comfortable silence. Alex tried to form a picture of Joey in her mind. She wished him to be scrawny and slightly geeky for her own selfish reasons, but she knew for him to have caught Olivia's eyes he had to be fairly attractive and if he were worthy of her at all, a gentleman and a sweetheart.

Alex fought back a groan when they stopped not at a restaurant but an apartment complex. She in no way wanted to see Olivia and her boyfriend in such a homey setting. Olivia grinned at her as she held out her hand to help Alex out of the cab. She must have noticed the unsure expression on Alex's face. "I promise it will be painless and enjoyable," she reassured playfully.

They exited the elevator on the third floor and walked to the fourth door on the left. Olivia knocked on the door and sent one more grin to Alex before it opened. Alex froze when a young redhead opened the door. She looked quickly between the woman and Olivia who were smiling warmly at each other before they stepped in for a quick hug before walking fully into the apartment.

"Kristen, this is Alex. She's been questioning me as to where I've been slinking off to on Thursday nights." Olivia said in way of introductions.

Alex blushed slightly as she held out a hand to shake. Kristen grinned as she shook her hand and winked. "Sorry I've been stealing her away. She told me Thursday's were the normal gathering night for the squad, but insisted it wouldn't be a problem."

"Oh, no. Of course not," Alex stammered. She was completely confused as to just what it was they were doing there. Olivia had said she was leaving early because of Joey, but Alex saw no obvious signs of a man living in the apartment and that Kristen evidently lived there confused her.

Kristen waved her hand over her shoulder dismissively as she walked into the kitchen. She walked back out with a bag slung over her shoulder. "Alright. Well, I'm sure you've got it under control, and I'm going to be late." She kissed Olivia's cheek and stepped to the door. "Thanks again. Joey," she yelled into the apartment, "Olivia's here." Then she was gone.

Alex didn't have to wait long to find out who Joey was as she heard a squeal and clambering from the hallway. A blonde headed blur came from the living room and launched itself at Olivia. "Liv!"

Olivia laughed and swung the child around. "Hey Little Man!" She planted him firmly on her hip and turned towards Alex. "Joey, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Alex."

He wrinkled his nose and studied her out of bright green eyes. "Alex is a boy's name," he stated simply causing both adults to laugh.

"Yeah well, as you can see, she's not a boy." She leaned in and whispered to him playfully as she winked at Alex, "She's still pretty cool though."

Joey shrugged and hopped down from his perch on Olivia's hips. "Whatever. Come on, let's go play."

For the next three and a half hours, Alex found herself sitting in the floor, watching Olivia play with the child as well as being drawn into the games herself at times. They fed and bathed the boy, and Alex smiled on from the doorway as Olivia read him a bedtime story. She laughed and walked to the living room when Olivia was suckered into reading him another one as well.

Alex sat on the couch, leaning her head on the backrest and closing her eyes. She had forgotten how tiring children could be. She had younger nieces and nephews herself that she enjoyed playing with, but it had been so long, and tonight had made her strongly wish to see them again soon.

She smiled softly. She had never seen Olivia so carefree or relaxed before. It was heartening to see that Olivia had at least somewhere she could escape to where she seemed to have no worries or anything that caused the flight frown lines to form between her eyebrows. In turn, she had never seen Olivia look so attractive. She thought Olivia could not be more attractive than when her care for the victims was showing, or the fierce way she handled a suspect, or how she swaggered when they closed a case, but she hadn't witnessed the way her smile completely transformed her face and lightened up the room around her before tonight.

She was surprised to hear the sound of the front door before Olivia joined her. She looked up to see Kristen walking in with a tired smile on her face. She dropped her bag down in the entryway and dropped into a chair across from Alex. "How was he?" she asked with her eyes closed as she rolled her neck.

"He was good," Alex said sitting up slightly. "She keeps him too busy to be anything else," she said with a chuckle.

"So?" Olivia asked as they stepped into a cab.

Alex turned to her and grinned widely, "You were right. I loved him."

Olivia smiled and leaned her head back against the headrest. "I knew you would. He's a great kid."

"He is," Alex agreed. "How do you know them?"

"Just a friend," Olivia said with a shrug, but Alex could tell by her tone that there was more to the story than that.

Over the next month, Alex continued to join Olivia each Thursday night in watching Joey. She learned Kristen was a single mother of twenty-four and was trying to work her way through school and had a single night class every Thursday night which was why Olivia watched Joey for her. She worked as a receptionist at a boutique during the day while Joey was at school and took a single night class every semester. She frequently asked how Olivia knew them and how she came to be the one to watch Joey, but Olivia always seemed to give her an answer that wasn't really an answer at all.

One night, Kristen returned home early from class. Olivia continued to play with Joey while Alex went to keep Kristen company. After they had been chatting for some time, Alex finally hesitantly asked, "How did you and Olivia meet?"

Kristen looked quickly down the hall before turning back to Alex with a fond smile on her face. "She won't tell you, will she?" Alex shook her head. Kristen nodded slightly. "Of course not. Don't feel bad; she's not deliberately trying to keep you in the dark or hurt your feelings by not telling you. She thinks she's protecting me." She continued at Alex's questioning look. "I was raped nearly six years ago. Olivia was still in uniform at the time and was the first officer at the scene. One of the detectives that came was a total jackass, so I talked to the other detective and Olivia. Then she went to the hospital with me.

"She kept in touch with me after that, checked in every so often, tried to keep me updated on the case. And when I found out I was pregnant…" She closed her eyes and seemed to sink further into the couch. "She held my hand through all of it. The doctor visits, the shopping, the planning. Even when I…" She faltered slightly, and when she finally opened her eyes, there were tears pooling in them. "Even when I had thought I was going to abort. She helped me pick out a clinic, made the appointment, even drove me to it. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't even get out of the car." Kristen went on to tell how Olivia had been her birthing coach, how she had been her rock throughout the entire time, and how she had been such a godsend ever since, always willing to help in whatever way she could. Alex felt tears pooling in her own eyes throughout the entire telling.

And she felt her respect for Olivia grow to an amount she had never thought possible of a person. She had always respected Olivia. Respected her courage and strength and compassion. But that Olivia would be willing to stand by a friend, practically looking her own existence right in the face, as they almost aborted a product of rape without a single word of rebuke, amazed Alex.

And with that respect, Alex felt not just affection and attraction for Olivia in her heart, but love as well.


	4. Insomnia

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: I'm not completely confident about this one; it feels like there's something missing, but I've gotten as much as I can out of it, so… Enjoy!**

Alex sighed as she closed the file and looked at her watch. It was a little after ten o'clock meaning she had been going over Detective Benson's testimony for just over two hours. And during those two hours, Olivia had looked at her watch at least every ten minutes. Alex tried not to take it personally; she knew they were working on a crucial case. She had put off calling Olivia in to review her testimony as long as possible in the hopes they would finish the case and Olivia wouldn't feel frustrated by being pulled away.

"We're all through," Alex said when she looked back up from her desk. She looked up just in time to see Olivia tiredly rub her eyes. She smiled in sympathy and asked, "How long have you been working this case now?"

Olivia looked up at the ceiling and squinted in thought. "Thirty-eight hours, I think," she said with a shrug.

"Olivia," Alex said exasperatedly and shook her head. "When was the last time you slept?" she asked as she stood and began gathering her things to leave.

Olivia stood as well and reached for her jacket. "When I was seven," she said dryly.

Alex started to laugh, but she saw something in Olivia's eye that told her maybe it wasn't meant to be a joke. Before she could question or completely identify what she saw, Olivia gave her patent half-grin that always left Alex feeling torn. One side wanted to see Olivia give that grin more often; she loved the way it lightened up Olivia's features and made her seem completely open and approachable. But the other side hated seeing it because it left her unable to speak, think or even breathe for a moment.

***

Seven months later, Alex drowsily reached across the bed. She wasn't surprised to come in contact with cool sheets rather than a warm body. In the three months she and Olivia had been sleeping together, she had yet to wake up with Olivia in bed except when Olivia was actually waking her up in rather remarkable ways.

She sat up and blinked blearily at the clock until her eyes focused and she read 3:00 AM.

Alex shook her head. Olivia hadn't gotten to her apartment until after ten. She had taken a shower and eaten dinner then sat up with Alex while she went over a case file. They hadn't crawled into bed until well after midnight, and Alex knew that Olivia had still been awake when she had drifted off herself.

She grabbed her robe that hung on the foot post of the bed and walked out of the bedroom. As she walked into the living room, she noticed Olivia standing with her back to the room, staring out the window. Alex walked up to her and wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist, feeling the tension that Olivia always seemed to carry in her body. "Come back to bed sweetheart," she whispered before kissing Olivia's neck and laying her head on her shoulder.

"Not tired," Olivia said as she side-stepped and brought Alex up flush with her side, causing Alex to curl her body into Olivia's side, a spot Olivia knew to be one of Alex's favorites.

"How is that possible?" Alex mumbled as she snuggled in closer to Olivia. "I don't think you're human. I've never, in the entire time I've known you, seen you sleep."

Olivia kissed the top of Alex's head before turning back to look out the window. "I don't think you could call what I do sleeping anyways. It's more of a doze really because I wake up extremely easy."

"Why is that?"

They stood in silence for so long that Alex was beginning to think Olivia wouldn't answer her. She didn't sometimes. Alex would ask a question about her childhood or something personal and Olivia would skillfully deflect it or talk without ever actually answering the question or sometimes she ignored it completely.

"Remember when I once told you I hadn't slept since I was seven?" she finally asked. Alex nodded against her shoulder. "I wasn't lying; that's the last time I remember actually sleeping."

"Why?" Alex asked softly, not wanting to press Olivia to talk, but not willing to give up a chance of Olivia actually letting her in either.

Olivia sighed. "My mom used to bring home guys from the bar all the time. I would always go to my room and finish my homework or play my guitar. One night when I was seven, she brought this guy home that really creeped me out. I don't know what it was about him but…I ran to my room and hid under the covers." She took a deep breath and Alex lightly squeezed her, hoping to show her support. Alex could feel tears burning her eyes in fear of what she was about to hear. "I guess I feel asleep because the next thing I knew, he was ripping the covers off of me. He grabbed at me and tried to tear my clothes off. I kicked and cried and screamed, but my mom never came. Luckily, he passed out before he could do anything."

Alex looked up to see tears falling down Olivia's cheeks just as there were tears running down her own face. "Olivia…" she whispered. Alex realized how ironic it was that she could work with rape victims day in and day out and not know a single thing to say to the woman she loved who had almost been raped so many years ago.

Olivia shook her head, saving Alex the trouble. "Mom found me the next morning huddled in my closet still crying. She stayed sober for a month after that, the longest time I can remember: never left the house without me, helped me with my homework, played in the streets with me; she was never a better mother. I was almost thankful that it had happened, even if it did make me look sideways at every male and have nightmares because at least for that month, she would run in when she heard me crying and lay down with me and sing me back to sleep.

"But once that month was over, everything returned to how they had been. She went out every night and brought a different guy home with her each time. I started sleeping on the floor on the opposite side of my bed. I would never go to sleep until the apartment was absolutely silent, and then I would wake up at every single noise I heard." She shrugged, "It's been like that ever since."

That sat in silence for a long while. That a little girl would be happy about the fact that she was almost raped because it brought her the love and affection of her mother was the saddest thing Alex had ever heard. "Olivia, have you ever talked to anyone about this?"

Olivia squeezed Alex's sides, "You." Alex raised her head to explain that was in no way what she meant, when she noticed the patent Olivia Benson grin before Olivia's kissed her forehead. "I had to speak to a counselor when I was younger." She shrugged. "It helped. I think not sleeping had just become a habit by that point that I couldn't seem to break."

Alex desperately wanted to question why Olivia 'had' to speak to a counselor, but she had a feeling she had gotten all the information she was going to get for the night. She couldn't exactly complain though; it was more information she had been given about Olivia in the entire time she'd known her after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: This one kind of goes along with 'Insomnia', going into the "had to talk to a counselor" bit in a roundabout way. Another sad one. **

**Warning: Mention of rape.**

Alex looked to the clock when she heard the door close, 2:27 AM. She sighed in both relief and exasperation.

The case they had earlier that day had been hard for her lover, but she had no idea why. It had not been the most gruesome or hardest case they had ever had, but it had had an obvious affect on Olivia.

When Olivia had not gotten home or returned her calls hours after her work day should have been over, Alex had finally called Elliot to find out if they had caught another case. They hadn't, he informed her, and casually mentioned that his partner had accompanied Hannah, their twelve year old victim, to the group home she would be staying at since her mother refused to have anything to do with her since she was accusing her mother's boyfriend of attacking her.

Alex could still remember the look on Olivia's face when the mother had slapped Hannah and said she would have nothing to do with her until she retracted her lies. Olivia had gone to Hannah's side immediately as the woman had stormed out of the room. If only for a second, Alex had seen the pain on Olivia's own face and the distance in her eyes.

She looked to the clock again when she realized Olivia had been home for a while but had yet to come to bed; it was almost three o'clock. She quietly got out of bed and made her way to the living room. There she found Olivia sitting on the couch, her gun and badge on the table in front of her and a glass of scotch in her hand, looking blankly at the black television set.

Alex sat down beside Olivia without her acknowledging her, sitting close but not actually touching. They sat in silence for long moments, Alex studying Olivia and Olivia still staring blankly and holding her scotch, never actually tasting it.

"Elliot said you went with Hannah," Alex finally whispered, not wanting to disturb the quietness of the apartment. Olivia nodded once curtly and turned her head to look out the window. "Were you there the whole time?" Alex finally asked when no more information was forthcoming.

She noticed Olivia's hand tighten minutely on her tumbler before she relaxed it and finally brought it to her mouth for a sip. "I went to speak with her mother."

"And?" Alex finally prodded. She sighed when Olivia ignored her. After dating for nearly a year, her lover was still an enigma to her and trying to get Olivia to talk to was like pulling teeth. Get her talking about music or literature or art or anything she held interests in and she could go on and on, carrying on a highly intelligent conversation. But ask Olivia about herself or anything that may be bothering her, she was very tight-lipped.

"Why is this case bothering you so much?" Alex finally asked in exasperation.

"You don't know what she's going through Alex," Olivia said through gritted teeth.

"She's not the first child we've sent to a group home," she pointed out gently.

"The first one under these circumstances," Olivia mumbled as she stood from the couch and moved to stand in front of the window she had continued to stare out of.

Alex stared at her silently before her eyes opened wide in wonder and realization. Months prior Olivia had described to her one of her mother's one night stands attempting to molest her. Had it happened again? Had Olivia actually been raped when she was older? Had her mother not believed her and sent her to a group home?

With these thoughts whirling through her mind, she nearly missed it when Olivia began speaking softly, her back still to the room. "You have no idea. She's been placed in a home with the older teen girls. Girls that have been there too long, been through too much. Girls that are looking for someone to take all of their pain and frustrations out on. Hannah will make a perfect target for them; someone younger and weaker and scared, without a friend in the world because her own mother turned her back on her." She brought the tumbler up to take a large swallow from before whispering again, "You have no idea."

Alex sat silently trying to determine what exactly she should say. She finally decided on the one thing she knew would get a reaction from Olivia instead of her slamming closed the door she had just cracked open. "No, but you do. Don't you?"

Alex jumped in surprise when Olivia through her tumbler against the wall beside the window, causing scotch to splash and the glass to break, and spun quickly around. "You're damn right I do. Haven't you gotten it yet? The shit we see every day, I've seen half of it before and lived through some of it as well. Don't you understand? I'm damaged goods!" Alex had been surprised to see the vehemence in Olivia's actions and face when she had begun her tirade, but she was shocked when Olivia began openly crying half way through and to hear her voice break with the last sentence.

Olivia harshly ran her hand across her face muttering, "Christ," as she made her way to the door. Realizing Olivia meant to leave, Alex quickly jumped up from the couch and pulled Olivia into a tight embrace. Olivia grabbed her hips and tried to push her away, but Alex held on fiercely until Olivia squeezed her hips almost painfully and crushed them into her body before wrapping her arms completely around Alex's waist and burrowing her head into her neck.

Alex began running her fingers through the hair at the nape of Olivia's neck, an act she knew calmed her lover. As much as Alex hated to see her lover like this, she was also relishing in it. For the first time in their relationship, she felt needed. She always knew Olivia wanted her, and sometimes she even felt as if she might love her, but she had never actually felt needed before.

They stayed in their silent embrace for so long that Alex would have thought Olivia had fallen asleep except for the tension that always seemed to stay with her lover unless she was sleeping. "Tell me," Alex whispered as she ran her nose through Olivia's hair smelling the city, sweat, lavender: Olivia.

"It doesn't matter," Olivia said as she pushed away and flopped down to lay on the couch.

"We both know it does," Alex pushed gently.

Olivia sighed and threw her arm over her eyes before she began talking. "After I was seven and the…incident, mom stopped having so many one night stands. They'd start coming back for a week or a month, and as I got older the longer they stayed. When I was twelve, she was dating a guy, Rick, for quite a while until he finally moved in with us. It was just as Hannah said: the looks, the touches, how he just wanted to be good to me like he was to my mother because I was such a good girl, helped her so much. And one day when I came home from school, he was there instead of work." She paused and took a deep breath. "After he was through, he pulled me close and mumbled how he knew I would be such a good girl." Alex couldn't take her eyes off of her lover and noticed that the shutter that she felt running through her body was making its way through Olivia's as well. "My mother didn't get home until the patrols were there to pick him up. She didn't even come see me, told them right then and there that she wanted nothing to do with me, that I was their problem." She shrugged awkwardly with her arm still covering her eyes. "So I was placed in a group home, with older teen girls. It didn't even take a week before a few of them jumped me." She finally brought her arm down only to bring the other one up and watch as she clinched her fists, knuckles towards her. Not for the first time, Alex noticed that the pinky on her left hand wouldn't fully bend. "Over the year I was there, I broke every bone in both hands defending myself." She brought her hand back to her head to rub through her hair over her left ear where Alex knew there was a scar. "I made two trips to the hospital in the first three months I was there."

Alex stared at her lover. She didn't know what to say to her. Didn't know how to comfort her. She moved to kneel on the floor beside the couch and laid her head against Olivia's stomach. Olivia immediately began running her fingers through her hair. "But she came back for you. You didn't have to stay there."

"Yeah," Olivia said, staring up at the ceiling. "She had tried after just a few months, but the courts ordered her to go to counseling and meetings and classes. It took her a while to get through all of it, but she did."

Alex moved to snuggled in between Olivia's side and the back of the couch. Her fingers began making random patterns across Olivia's shirt clad torso. "You're not damaged," she said after a while. "You're just…" she trailed off not being able to find the words.

"Yeah." Olivia snorted self-depreciatively. "I'm just."


	6. An Apple A Day

**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

**A/N: So I haven't posted in forever, tons of RL things have happened, but I finally had the chance to sit down and go through some stories I had been working on once upon a time, and found this. I'm not exactly sure where I was wanting to go with this other than being in the TAHL universe, but it seems complete enough, so I hope you enjoy!**

They sat together on opposite ends of the couch, idly playing footsies, drinking tea and sharing random, unimportant details from their childhood. The conversation was quiet, easy, flowing without either actually thinking about what they were going to say before they said it. Alex reveled in it. It was very rare to catch her lover in such a laid-back, open manner, but when she did, no matter what she was doing or needed to do, she would set aside to enjoy the emotional closeness.

"I stole Silly Putty when I was five."

Olivia laughed. "I can't see you ever having the need to steal anything."

"Of course I didn't need to," Alex said with a blush and mumbled, "Serena dared me," which only caused her lover to laugh harder. Alex huffed, hiding a grin. "When Mother found out, she made me return it and apologize to the store manager." Olivia continued laughing. "It isn't funny!" Alex insisted. "I was completely embarrassed. I didn't speak to Serena the rest of the afternoon." Alex sighed as Olivia kept laughing. "You can't tell me you didn't steal anything as a child."

Olivia's laughs quieted as she answered. "I stole an apple when I was seven."

Alex stared at her a moment blinking. "You're telling me as a child, you never stole a toy? Only an apple?"

Olivia took the last sip from her tea cup before placing it on the table and began messaging Alex's foot. "Yeah. We didn't frequent stores with toys. More like liquor."

Alex held back a sigh. It had been nice while it lasted, she thought. But now that something hinting towards the ugliness of Olivia's childhood had been mentioned, Alex knew their easy conversation would come to an end. She wondered if Olivia would ever become comfortable talking to her about her past. Alex simply learned to take comfort in the fact that Olivia had started to bring things up on her own now without having to be question or prodded, even if afterwards she became silent.

"So, you stole an apple…?" Alex questioned hoping Olivia would elaborate.

"Yeah," Olivia said almost absently before shaking her head and turning to face Alex. "Yeah. There was a bodega that kept their fresh fruit set up outside. Mr. Martinez would sit with it while a boy would run the inside. I hadn't seen my mom in a couple of days, at least that's what my seven year old mind thought, and I was hungry." She shrugged before smiling slightly. "The boy started chasing me, and at first I thought it was a game. But when he started yelling at me to stop, I looked back and saw he wasn't smiling and got scared. I made a wrong turn into a dead-end alley.

"I just sat down in the corner and started going to town on that apple. It felt like I hadn't eaten in forever. And I just knew that as soon as he caught me he was going to take it away. He was bent over, huffing and puffing. I'd ran about three blocks, crawling under fences and behind dumpsters," Olivia gave what Alex thought of as a somewhat smug smile.

"When he looked up at me, he just froze," she continued, her eyes taking on a distant look. "I can only imagine what I looked like: a little girl all but curled up in herself, eating that apple as if I didn't know when I'd ever get to eat again. He just sat down and watched me; we didn't take our eyes off of each other. When I was finished we just stayed there, sitting and staring. He reached into his pocket and I started crying. I had no idea what he was going to do to me. I knew I had stolen and that stealing was bad. But he pulled out a Milky Way and held it out in front of him."

They were both silent for a while, Olivia still absently messaging Alex's feet. "His name was Phil," Olivia said, her voice almost surprising Alex in the silence. "He sat with me until I finished eating and then walked me home. Every day after that when I walked by the bodega, he gave me an apple and a Milky Way and winked at me."

"That's sweet," Alex nearly whispered.

"Hmm," Olivia said distractedly. She stared down at Alex's foot she was still massaging for a while before switching and saying, "Phil owns the bodega now. I go in sometimes to see him. He still gives me an apple and a Milky Way," she smiled up at Alex who laughed, pleased that the story hadn't seemed to dampen Olivia's mood.


End file.
